There is a long history of interviews coming from the Clerith camp, and all these interviews hold true to basic standards. They are with a self declared 'Real life Japanese person/ descendant' who speaks for the entire country and, while absolutely Clerith, is unwilling to debate other people, they always say everything what the Cleriths want to hear, and they are always fake, erroneous, or both. Their latest, a diatribe on "Koi Bito" (captured in its entirety so they cannot disavow knowledge of it later) is no exception. The interview sends up numerous warning flags, even from the very first line, as it contains a reference to dining at WacDonalds, a Japanese version of McDonalds that exists only in fiction.
But fear not intrepid readers. Courageous pencilnecks deep undercover in Japan have managed to unearth another interview, which is provided here for your enjoyment and edification.
Nihongo according to the Nihonjin: IroIro Tanaka (Male) and NaniNani Yamada (Female)
By Richard S.
Notes: The interview occurred at 10AM in a shopping center in the geek capital of existence, Akihabara. Conversations were recorded on a Somy brand audio recorder and transcribed later. The names have been changed to protect the gui- er... innocent.
NOTE: This interview has been a parody. No real Japanese people were consulted during its creation, in an attempt to be more true to the original interview of which this is a parody. However, the statements made by Iro and Nani can be supported by facts relevant to FF7 and its sequels, making them more useful and relevant than the opinion of any random Japanese person any day.
By Richard S.
Notes: The interview occurred at 10AM in a shopping center in the geek capital of existence, Akihabara. Conversations were recorded on a Somy brand audio recorder and transcribed later. The names have been changed to protect the gui- er... innocent.
Richard: -urn this thing on. So, enjoying your wappy meals, my fellows? Especially the little toys?
Iro: Yeah, yeah, thanks for the meal, Richard.
Richard: No problem. Now then, I confess, I have an ulterior motive to treating you to dinner. I want you to indulge me in a small experiment.
Nani: That would explain the somy recorder.
Richard: Yes. In any case, first off, could you read the text on this card for me? (Holds up a card with the Kanji for Romantic love written on it.
Iro: That's Koi. (恋, for those of you playing at home)
Richard: And this one? (holds up a card with the Kanji for person on it.)
Iro: That's Hito. (人)
(At this point, Nani begins looking around the area, craning her head, and stepping half out of her seat.
Richard: What are you doing?
Nani: Where are the hidden cameras? This is a put on, right?
Richard: Sadly, no. I wish it were. It would make me feel like much less of a geek. Anyways, please, read this one for me (holds up a card with the kanji for love and person on it.)
Iro: It says Koibito.
Richard: And not Koi (makes gesture to indicate a stop) Bito? Not two words?
Iro: You're sure this isn't a put on?
Richard: Just answer the question.
Iro: No. One word. You never use 'Bito' as its own word.
Richard: And could you ple- Nani, there ARE NO CAMERAS. Anyways, please define it.
Nani: Um, Y'know, Girlfriend. Boyfriend.
Iro: (In english) Lover.
Richard: As in "part of a relationship", right?
Nani: Is there any other way to use it? (Still glancing about for cameras)
Richard: Just checking. And it can't be used to mean "person who loves unrequitedly" right?
Iro: What? No! Dude, you speak Japanese, why are you asking us this crap?
Richard: Because some people won't believe anything about Japanese unless it comes from a 'real life Japanese person'.
Iro: Okay... that's weird.
Richard: Tell me about it. Speaking of weird, I must now ask you an even stranger question.
Nani: Oh, this should be priceless. Shoot.
Richard: Final Fantasy Seven, who did Cloud end up with. Romantically?
Iro: Why are you-?
Richard: Let's just say I lost a bet and am now asking incredibly ridiculous questions to satisfy said bet.
Nani: Sure you are.
Richard: For the sake of me not feeling like a complete and utter geek, that's my cover story and I'm sticking to it. Now please, answer the question.
Iro: Eh? Tifa. The man's bonkers for her.
Nani: Sephiroth.
Richard: I said who did he end with, not who you wish he ended up with, you mad yaoi crazed woman. Answer it objectively, please.
Nani: Fine fine, Kill my fun. Yeah, he wound up with Tifa. (Under her breath) Wanted to be with Sephiroth.
(Iro just groans at this)
Richard: Anyways, moving along, would you say that the Cloud and Tifa or the Cloud and Aerith pairing is more popular here in Japan?
Nani and Iro together: Cloti.
Iro: There are CloAer still left? I thought they died out with Advent Children.
Nani: ZaAer's the way to go.
Iro: This whole interview is actually about the CloAer, right?
Richard: They call themselves Cleriths stateside. And Cleris, and Cloris, and other things. But yes, you caught me. This is about them. Fuck damn I'm a geek. Anyways, they insist that CloAer is accepted as 'official all across Japan'. Even though I already know the answer, indulge and tell me, is this the truth?
Nani: Hah!
Iro: Hardly. Even most of the people who want it to be true admit it isn't. Well, except for a couple of crazed diehards, that is. But they're so far gone from reality that mostly people just point and laugh.
Richard: Heh, east meets west.
Nani: Eh?
Richard: Nevermind. Now then, a couple quick questions to wrap up before we dig in like the slobs you are, had Aerith not died, would Cloud have picked her over Tifa? Put another way, was Tifa the second choice?
Iro: No. Like I said, he was obsessed with Tifa.
Nani: Did he even love Aerith?
Richard: Which brings me my next question, did Cloud love Aerith?
Both (about half a second apart): Nah.
Richard: Did she love Cloud? (under breath) Fuck I'm a geek.
Iro: Yeah. I think she did.
Nani: She was still in love with Zack. That's why she was interested in Cloud.
Richard: And one last question for you all. Are the times when Aerith appears in Advent Children romantic?
Iro: What? You mean the ghost zone scenes? No more so than any other time a ghost is given special treatment in a movie.
Nani: Unless calling a woman 'mom' while her first lover stands next to her is romantic, they aren't.
Richard: Thank you for your answers then. I hope your words will be taken to heart stateside. Any parting comments?
Iro: Denial isn't healthy, kids. Nor is obsession.
Nani: All of AVALANCHE recognizes that Cloud and Tifa are an item. Even Aerith does. Why can't you? Cloud has always been obsessed with Tifa. Aerith doesn't even register as a blip on his romance radar. If she was, you think she might have at least shown up in his mind somewhere when we got to look inside.
Richard: Fair enough. Seeing as that's the last of my questions, feel free to dig in.
(The sound of wrapping paper being handled can be heard, and Richard says "try not to cho-" just as the recording ends.)
Iro: Yeah, yeah, thanks for the meal, Richard.
Richard: No problem. Now then, I confess, I have an ulterior motive to treating you to dinner. I want you to indulge me in a small experiment.
Nani: That would explain the somy recorder.
Richard: Yes. In any case, first off, could you read the text on this card for me? (Holds up a card with the Kanji for Romantic love written on it.
Iro: That's Koi. (恋, for those of you playing at home)
Richard: And this one? (holds up a card with the Kanji for person on it.)
Iro: That's Hito. (人)
(At this point, Nani begins looking around the area, craning her head, and stepping half out of her seat.
Richard: What are you doing?
Nani: Where are the hidden cameras? This is a put on, right?
Richard: Sadly, no. I wish it were. It would make me feel like much less of a geek. Anyways, please, read this one for me (holds up a card with the kanji for love and person on it.)
Iro: It says Koibito.
Richard: And not Koi (makes gesture to indicate a stop) Bito? Not two words?
Iro: You're sure this isn't a put on?
Richard: Just answer the question.
Iro: No. One word. You never use 'Bito' as its own word.
Richard: And could you ple- Nani, there ARE NO CAMERAS. Anyways, please define it.
Nani: Um, Y'know, Girlfriend. Boyfriend.
Iro: (In english) Lover.
Richard: As in "part of a relationship", right?
Nani: Is there any other way to use it? (Still glancing about for cameras)
Richard: Just checking. And it can't be used to mean "person who loves unrequitedly" right?
Iro: What? No! Dude, you speak Japanese, why are you asking us this crap?
Richard: Because some people won't believe anything about Japanese unless it comes from a 'real life Japanese person'.
Iro: Okay... that's weird.
Richard: Tell me about it. Speaking of weird, I must now ask you an even stranger question.
Nani: Oh, this should be priceless. Shoot.
Richard: Final Fantasy Seven, who did Cloud end up with. Romantically?
Iro: Why are you-?
Richard: Let's just say I lost a bet and am now asking incredibly ridiculous questions to satisfy said bet.
Nani: Sure you are.
Richard: For the sake of me not feeling like a complete and utter geek, that's my cover story and I'm sticking to it. Now please, answer the question.
Iro: Eh? Tifa. The man's bonkers for her.
Nani: Sephiroth.
Richard: I said who did he end with, not who you wish he ended up with, you mad yaoi crazed woman. Answer it objectively, please.
Nani: Fine fine, Kill my fun. Yeah, he wound up with Tifa. (Under her breath) Wanted to be with Sephiroth.
(Iro just groans at this)
Richard: Anyways, moving along, would you say that the Cloud and Tifa or the Cloud and Aerith pairing is more popular here in Japan?
Nani and Iro together: Cloti.
Iro: There are CloAer still left? I thought they died out with Advent Children.
Nani: ZaAer's the way to go.
Iro: This whole interview is actually about the CloAer, right?
Richard: They call themselves Cleriths stateside. And Cleris, and Cloris, and other things. But yes, you caught me. This is about them. Fuck damn I'm a geek. Anyways, they insist that CloAer is accepted as 'official all across Japan'. Even though I already know the answer, indulge and tell me, is this the truth?
Nani: Hah!
Iro: Hardly. Even most of the people who want it to be true admit it isn't. Well, except for a couple of crazed diehards, that is. But they're so far gone from reality that mostly people just point and laugh.
Richard: Heh, east meets west.
Nani: Eh?
Richard: Nevermind. Now then, a couple quick questions to wrap up before we dig in like the slobs you are, had Aerith not died, would Cloud have picked her over Tifa? Put another way, was Tifa the second choice?
Iro: No. Like I said, he was obsessed with Tifa.
Nani: Did he even love Aerith?
Richard: Which brings me my next question, did Cloud love Aerith?
Both (about half a second apart): Nah.
Richard: Did she love Cloud? (under breath) Fuck I'm a geek.
Iro: Yeah. I think she did.
Nani: She was still in love with Zack. That's why she was interested in Cloud.
Richard: And one last question for you all. Are the times when Aerith appears in Advent Children romantic?
Iro: What? You mean the ghost zone scenes? No more so than any other time a ghost is given special treatment in a movie.
Nani: Unless calling a woman 'mom' while her first lover stands next to her is romantic, they aren't.
Richard: Thank you for your answers then. I hope your words will be taken to heart stateside. Any parting comments?
Iro: Denial isn't healthy, kids. Nor is obsession.
Nani: All of AVALANCHE recognizes that Cloud and Tifa are an item. Even Aerith does. Why can't you? Cloud has always been obsessed with Tifa. Aerith doesn't even register as a blip on his romance radar. If she was, you think she might have at least shown up in his mind somewhere when we got to look inside.
Richard: Fair enough. Seeing as that's the last of my questions, feel free to dig in.
(The sound of wrapping paper being handled can be heard, and Richard says "try not to cho-" just as the recording ends.)
NOTE: This interview has been a parody. No real Japanese people were consulted during its creation, in an attempt to be more true to the original interview of which this is a parody. However, the statements made by Iro and Nani can be supported by facts relevant to FF7 and its sequels, making them more useful and relevant than the opinion of any random Japanese person any day.